i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
