three words: i give head
three words: not that well
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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