just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
