Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
