i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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