I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
