I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
