Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
