my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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