I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
