Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
