There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
