I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
