Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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