Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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