I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
