I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
