I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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