he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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