im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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