I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
