I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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