apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
