a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
