after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
