Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
