turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
