When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
