i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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