I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
love makes seman taste better
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
