I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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