Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
