the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
