Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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