I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
