i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
