Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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