my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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