Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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