just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
