She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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