i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
