I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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