pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
