She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
