My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
