yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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