when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
