My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
