It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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